Day 4

Today, I was feeling very sad.  I feel so lost.  I don't have the words to describe it, but I don't know what to do with myself.  You see...I always made stuff for my Nene.  Every single day I either made something new or added to something else I was working on.  I kept everything I made for Nene in a plastic grocery bag, although, sometimes I would mail them, she loved getting surprise mail from us and then when we go visit her, I take her bag of goodies I collected for her.  She loved looking at all the things I made for her.  They really brightened her day!  It made me feel good to see Nene smile, even when she didn't feel good I could still brighten her day.  

The night that Nene died, it had been a month since we had seen her we showed up at the hospital with about 5 Kroger bags full of January's makings. I colored pictures, I cut, I pasted, I made crowns, etc. Yesterday I said I was bored with Nene gone because I couldn't make her stuff anymore. Of course...mommy cried. But a dear friend all too familiar with the loss of a parent you were close to said to mommy...let her continue to make things for Nene, just as she always has. Keep them in a box and every year on Nene's Angelversary we can look at them and when I'm older I can see how much I loved my Nene. So....today, I am back doing my work...and I'm  smiling! I showed mommy my pictures and of course...she cried but I kept on smiling!

Me and Nene

Me, Nene & Poppy

I have broken down twice today.  Just out of no where I lay down and just cry.  I miss my Nene so much.  Grief is a process.  It comes and it goes.  It knows no boundaries.  I made Nene some beautiful pictures today and it made me smile.  I made Nene a BIG sunshine to put in her casket with her but then, I was overcome with sadness.  

Mommy didn't realize that she didn't take a picture of my sunshine until after the funeral was over, but I hope I remember it forever.  Maybe, while it's still fresh in my mind I'll make another one just like it so that I can remember how big and special it was!

Sometimes I'm fine and other times I just fall apart.  Mommy feels so helpless to only be able to hug me and to say it's ok, most of the time, she just cries with me.  She wishes she could make my pain and emptiness go away so much!.