Day 15

Today, I have been happy and laughing more like my normal self.  Emu started his day in tears.  He wouldn't say why he was crying but he was very sad this morning.  We are beginning to get back into our routine, though our days are still starting later and our nights are ending later, but we are gradually getting there.  Macaw and I have been finding other people to talk to on the phone and so has mommy.  We all are missing Nene so very much. 

Life will never be the same.  We struggle with finding a way to move on but we know we have to.  

Day 14

Today, we finally got back into a more normal routine.  Emu was struggling during our lesson.  Mommy got a bit frustrated with him because he wasn't participating very much.  We sat and waited for him to cooperate.  We waited for about 30-45 minutes.  Then he went over to our whiteboard to start to draw.  He looked up and said "What are we going to do without Nene?"  He had the most pitiful confused look on his face.  Emu has showed no emotion towards Nene's death....he hasn't cried, he hasn't asked very many questions.  This was the first time he really spoke of it.  Mommy just said that we have to do the best we can.  Then he asked how Poppy will eat.  He was so worried about that.  

Day 12

Our weekend was pretty uneventful.  We worked on preserving our flowers from the funeral.  There's just something about keeping the very last thing we have left from her.  We looked into having this professionally done, but at a cost of $39 for one ornament, or $46 just to have one flower enclosed in a dome...it wasn't something we could afford to do.  So, after much research, we opted to give it a go at preserving them ourselves.  We opted for the silica gel method and used the microwave as well.  So far...this seems to have worked.  After drying all of the roses from one arrangement, we then put them in a container of the silica gel to try and ensure that they are completely dry.

We each got a rose from the casket spray that sat atop of Nene's casket.  Those roses are being put into a glass bulb ornament as a keepsake for each of us to have.  Mommy isn't real sure how to go about this process as the internet has very conflicting ideas.  We filled one ornament with fresh petals, it doesn't seem to be drying out very well, so we aren't going to do anymore that way.  Mommy decided that as the petals dry, we will put them into the ornaments, she is hoping that by doing it this way we can get the petals into the ornament without them crumbling too much.  

Today, I've been looking quite down.  I found a few pictures that I had made for Nene before she was gone.  It seems this was a difficult discovery for me and I hope that I don't find anything else that I never go the chance to give to her.  I also found a picture that I wanted to take to put in her casket and I found that I forgot to take it.  Mommy says that we can take it to Nene's grave when we go and visit.  

It's so hard to believe that it's been two weeks today since we've talked to Nene.  Time is going by so fast.  It's hitting all of us...just not being able to pick up the phone to call her when we want.  Mommy has had to start calling friends and family to try and fill the void of not being able to talk to her.  It seems me and Macaw are feeling it too.  We keep asking if we can call our Godmother. Mommy never really thought of us missing this even though she misses it so...but Nene is the only person we talked to on the phone too.  

Day 9

We still have not returned to school and today, we spent more time together.  We all played in the snow, we laughed and had a lot of fun.  Mommy said it warms her heart so much to see us all spending time together...I guess it's true, there really is something good that comes from something bad happening.  

This was the second day after the funeral.  We got to bring home such beautiful flowers from the funeral but even some of the planters have already begun to die.  This made mommy so sad because she wanted to be able to keep them and plant them outside this spring.  

Day 8

Today has been very hard for all of us.  Now, everything is over and now it's all so real.  It's time to figure out how we live life without Nene.  Nothing will ever be the same.  We all have our moments of tears, laughter, anger, etc.  

I have lost count of how many times I have had an accident today.  I find it a bit embarrassing and I don't really understand why this is happening.  Mommy doesn't get mad.  She says it's ok...it just happens and she assures me that I won't do this long.  My brothers have been very angry tonight and aren't getting along very well.  Mommy says that happens too.  It's going to take us all a while to adjust to this new life.  Everyone says it will be hard.  

Day 7- Our final goodbye

Today was a very difficult day.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to go up to Nene's casket and I was very scared.  Poppy picked me up and took me up without much choice of my own but I seemed to handle it ok.  It was very hard to see her and I cried a lot.  There were so many people there!  Some people shared stories and memories of Nene.  I put my big sunshine in Nene's casket...mommy still didn't get any pictures of it and I put my special Valentine's present in with her.

Before they closed the casket, Poppy and I had something very special to do.  You see...3 years ago, I was at the store with Poppy during one of my many weekend visits and I saw this fake rose.  I asked if we could get it for Nene and we did.  For 3 years, that rose sat right next to her bed on her night stand where she looked at it every night!  She always told Poppy that when something happens to her, she wanted to be buried with that rose.  As promised...Poppy took me up to the casket one last time to give Nene her favorite rose one more time.  This was a very emotional moment and Poppy and I cried together as we placed her rose next to her heart.  Mommy was very discreet in taking pictures so you can't see the whole rose, but you can see that she is "holding" it in her hands (along with the lock of my hair that mommy put in after this).  

I also chose to put this card in with her as well.  This is one of the many things I mailed to her, but it was one of her favorites.  Nene always said I was her sunshine....but she never realized that she was my sunshine too (even though a few years ago mommy asked me to draw a picture of the sunshine and I drew Nene).  When you opened this card it sang the song "You are my Sunshine".  I had so much love for my Nene!

Her casket had removable angels on each corner.  They also ordered more so that each grandchild had one as a keepsake.  Even though some of us were upset that we didn't get an "original" angel...we will all treasure them forever!  Mommy wanted to make sure we knew where the angels came from.   

This last picture was taken with the intention of cropping out the Angel picture above...but mommy decided it was actually a beautiful picture so she kept it in it's original state.  The pall-bearers were all carefully chosen to be very meaningful.  There was something so special about my Nene.  If she was your friend...she was more like your sister.  If you were friends with her children...she was more like your mother.  Here, they were all just taking a moment.

At the funeral reception, I drew a picture for her.

Nene...I will always love you!

Day 6

For some reason, every day since Christmas every time I went to the store I asked mommy if I could get Nene flowers.  Each time, mommy said that the next time we went to see Nene that we would stop and get her flowers.  This was not a normal request from me, so mommy found it odd...maybe I just had a feeling that things weren't ok because, the next time we went to see Nene was at the hospital and we didn't make it in time before she was gone.

One of the things I looked forward to the most was this upcoming Valentine's Day.  I couldn't wait to shower Nene with lots of love filled treasures.  I've talked about Valentin's Day and my birthday a lot.  Since we are going to see Nene tomorrow, I asked mommy if I could get Nene a Valentine's present...so, on the way to my uncle's tonight, we stopped and I got to pick something very special out for Nene.  Through all of my sorrow, a ray of sunshine shined through.  Our hearts are so broken, but oh how Nene would have loved this so!!

Later that night, we had one more thing to do to prepare for our big day tomorrow.  Mommy always knew she would do this when this day did come and she never got the chance to tell Nene, but Nene would have loved it.  We cut a lock of my hair to be put in Nene's casket.  Mommy put it in her hand right before they closed the casket.  This way...a part of me will be with Nene forever and best yet...she holds it in her hand.

Day 5

Today, I had a bad dream, I dreamed that bad people came into my house and tried to take me.  It was really scary so I went into mommy's bed!  As I laid there mommy noticed me looking at something in the mirror on the wall.  I kept pointing things out for mommy but she just couldn't see them.  There were birds, a little boy wearing jeans and lots of other little people singing, dancing and making silly faces.  I watched and giggled for about an hour.  Mommy could tell that I really saw something but no matter how hard I tried to show her what I saw she just couldn't see.  The sun came up and then they were all gone.  I was a bit disappointed that my "puppet show" was over.  A few minutes later I rolled over and started crying.  Mommy asked me what was wrong but I didn't know.  I said that when I close my eyes and open them, I'm crying.  Mommy hugged me and said that's ok, it happens and it won't stay like this forever.  

This afternoon, mommy was folding some laundry on her bed.  When she went to walk out of her room, she almost tripped over me.  I was outside of her door just laying there crying.  

She picked me up right away and while she picked me up this picture was accidentally taken.  The little rainbow was kind of cool.  As if it was a message to say....it's ok....there is hope and brighter days ahead! 

Today was just a really hard day.  Mommy hates finding me like this.  I need these moments though.  Each one is a step closer to smiling again.

Mommy feels so guilty sometimes for letting me get so close to Nene, knowing she was so sick.  She feels somewhat responsible for my pain and sorrow but I won't ever be this close to another person and what I shared with Nene was so special, maybe I will grow up to be a better person because of the love we shared.  

My Funeral Outfit

This was something mommy struggled with the most.  Just the thought of having to go shopping sent her into tears.  Nene has gotten me every dress I've ever had.  It was her special thing and how do you go to pick out anyone's clothes for Nene's funeral??  Mommy just couldn't even bear the thought.  She wanted me to wear my pink cruise dress but she couldn't come up with a way to alter it to make it fit me.  Then she had decided to have me wear my Christmas dress.  It was the last dress Nene saw me wear.  We still had to go shopping because we still needed some things for everyone else.  We don't dress up much around here. 

While we were shopping I decided at the last minute that I wanted to pick out a special dress.  They only had one dress and it wasn't very special.  I happened to see a shirt that I really liked.  I thought it was perfect and I was really excited to get it.  Even in the midst of all my sadness I just shined when I saw it.  It looked like something Nene would wear, it was just her style!   When I came home and tried it on Mommy said it looks just like Nene picked it out.  I said "I know, it's my Nene shirt".  So, I won't have the most gorgeous dress we could find for the funeral but I had something very special!  

Day 4

Today, I was feeling very sad.  I feel so lost.  I don't have the words to describe it, but I don't know what to do with myself.  You see...I always made stuff for my Nene.  Every single day I either made something new or added to something else I was working on.  I kept everything I made for Nene in a plastic grocery bag, although, sometimes I would mail them, she loved getting surprise mail from us and then when we go visit her, I take her bag of goodies I collected for her.  She loved looking at all the things I made for her.  They really brightened her day!  It made me feel good to see Nene smile, even when she didn't feel good I could still brighten her day.  

The night that Nene died, it had been a month since we had seen her we showed up at the hospital with about 5 Kroger bags full of January's makings. I colored pictures, I cut, I pasted, I made crowns, etc. Yesterday I said I was bored with Nene gone because I couldn't make her stuff anymore. Of course...mommy cried. But a dear friend all too familiar with the loss of a parent you were close to said to mommy...let her continue to make things for Nene, just as she always has. Keep them in a box and every year on Nene's Angelversary we can look at them and when I'm older I can see how much I loved my Nene. So....today, I am back doing my work...and I'm  smiling! I showed mommy my pictures and of course...she cried but I kept on smiling!

Me and Nene

Me, Nene & Poppy

I have broken down twice today.  Just out of no where I lay down and just cry.  I miss my Nene so much.  Grief is a process.  It comes and it goes.  It knows no boundaries.  I made Nene some beautiful pictures today and it made me smile.  I made Nene a BIG sunshine to put in her casket with her but then, I was overcome with sadness.  

Mommy didn't realize that she didn't take a picture of my sunshine until after the funeral was over, but I hope I remember it forever.  Maybe, while it's still fresh in my mind I'll make another one just like it so that I can remember how big and special it was!

Sometimes I'm fine and other times I just fall apart.  Mommy feels so helpless to only be able to hug me and to say it's ok, most of the time, she just cries with me.  She wishes she could make my pain and emptiness go away so much!.

Day 1

I got a Princess Cookie Making Kit for Christmas.  Every day, I asked mommy if we could make them.  Every day...she said maybe tomorrow.  This went on for weeks!  Today, I asked her and she FINALLY said yes!  She admits, it is the LAST thing she felt like doing but there was no more perfect time to do it.  I was feeling very sad and it was a good activity to get my mind off of things, so we made cookies!  I was nice enough to let everyone help.  We had a really good time and were able to smile and laugh a bit.  I bet Nene was looking down on me!